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New adventures of Mario (Balotelli)
Suspended for four matches, Manchester City’s deranged striker Mario Balotelli has been conspicuous for his lack of headline-making on and off the pitch. Our reporters have been investigating to bring you all the nonsense that other news sites are too busy to waste time on.
28 January – Women’s Institute bathroom fireworks
Enjoying his free time on starting his ban, Mario popped into his local WI one day to use the bathroom, then proceeded to set off a number of fireworks. The fire service stated it was “bloody lucky” no-one was hurt, especially as the majority of WI attendants were hard of hearing and were therefore unaware of the danger in the men’s room.
"We really didn't know what he was doing in our bathroom"
1 February – Liverpool training mediator
On taking a joyride up to Liverpool, Mario picked up a Liverpool striker playing truant. The player told him his name was Luis and he was avoiding training because the linesman called him offside during a training match. Mario drove him back and did not leave Melwood until the dispute was settled, although Suarez refused to shake his hand after.
4 February – Surprise primary school tour
In another loveable episode, Mario randomly pulled up to a primary school near his home and wandered around, admiring the premises. Headmistress Margaret Roland said, “It was delightful to have Mario visit and he’s welcome back anytime, but on assessing his most recent test scores, I’m afraid he doesn’t have the aptitude to attend classes here.”
11 February – Pub bulls-eye practice
Staying on in the local watering-hole after the Manchester United – Liverpool fiasco, Mario joined in a group playing darts, but lost focus and started aiming at some who were watching the rugby. The owner refrained from ringing the police and instead called Roberto Mancini, who hauled Mario off by the ear and grounded him for a fortnight.
Don’t forget to check back here very soon to read about yet more rubbish that a professional footballer can do and get paid for.
Mr Suarez’s month off
With his return to Liverpool’s offensive line imminent, Luis Suarez has given us his diary to show us what he’s been up to since he was thoughtfully granted an eight-match rest by the FA:
January 3
I get special holiday because I South American. Stupid Britannicos.
January 11
I meet old lady by supermercado. She hits me with stick for walking. I don’t know why. I only call her “coffin dodger” twice. I say it in friendly way.
"Fully rested"
January 17
I want to go to R ‘n’ B night at disco but friends say NO! Don’t understand why they angry.
January 21
I go to karaoke with Uncle Kenny. We lose whole night singing “Why does rain on me” by Travis.
January 28
I see funny news about Ahrry Rednap. He in trouble. He can say I don’t know what tax means in this culture. I tell him my advices in match at Liverpool.
February 1
When I come back to training the people say something like, “Don’t ever open your ******* mouth again you ******* ****”. I think them nice and friendly.
You can follow Mr Suarez’s risky adventures on the television from now on, starting with a potentially bad-tempered visit from a group of feisty north Londoners on Monday night.
Neil Warnock on his QPR retaliation strategy
****! ****! These ******* ******** will never get away with it! And as for that Joey Barton…
What did a nice guy like me ever do to deserve it, hey? Taking QPR into the Premier League, putting up with Barton and everyone else and then they go and sack me! I don’t know who this Twitter is but when I find the **** he’s going to wish he’d never spread rumours about me!
Twitter? Absolute Twit more like! With a capital ‘T’.
They say the table doesn’t lie but in this case it ******* well does. Got a bone to pick with it as well, come to think of it! Cheating ****.
* * *
Some time later and I think my wife slipped something into my tea coz all of a sudden I feel a blissful peace within me, with the beautiful music of Mozart in the background.
Now for a more calculated approach against the evil QPR plotters, and where better to start than this Twit thing that Barton uses? I’ll give him something to retweet!
Warnock gives as good as he gets exclusively for us
You can now keep up with my rants on Twitter by following @TouchlineTerrier.
Get on it, tweeps!
You ****s.
Friday the 13th: Twitter’s revenge
Sport stars across the nation are shivering in their beds tonight, dreading receiving Twitter replies from followers who have been offended by an ill-considered Tweet which could end their careers.
This week has seen a string of Twitter horror stories including a football player losing his job and boxing being brought into disrepute through Amir Kahn’s campaign that was waged through the website.
Having facilitated professional sportspeople to spam whatever they want to anyone who would read it for years, this week of brutal retribution threatens to end in the worst possible way for any number of tweet-happy sporting personalities.
Little blue bird of death
The question is, who?
The most high-profile candidates come from the world of football, featuring the likes of Joey Barton and Michael Owen who always seem to be just a tweet away from a micro-blogging catastrophe which could endanger their careers – or worse still, their tweeting privileges.
However, there are many, many more who will struggle to rest easy until they see the number of followers they have increasing steadily again.
No-one is safe.
Rory McIlroy awarded MBE for dating Caroline Wozniacki
McIlroy has landed a world-class birdie
Golfer Rory McIlroy has found his way onto the New Year Honours list as recognition for his extraordinary feat of going out with Danish heartthrob Caroline Wozniacki.
The Northern Irishman stands out amongst the famous names on the list for the pure audacity of this achievement, which has left countless men greener than a fairway at Augusta.
A less noteworthy accomplishment this year was his becoming the youngest US Open winner for 88 years.
Fellow golfer Darren Clarke has been given an OBE after winning the Open, although he admitted feeling “more overlooked than Tiger Woods’ playing partner” in comparison.
