Suspended for four matches, Manchester City’s deranged striker Mario Balotelli has been conspicuous for his lack of headline-making on and off the pitch. Our reporters have been investigating to bring you all the nonsense that other news sites are too busy to waste time on.
28 January – Women’s Institute bathroom fireworks
Enjoying his free time on starting his ban, Mario popped into his local WI one day to use the bathroom, then proceeded to set off a number of fireworks. The fire service stated it was “bloody lucky” no-one was hurt, especially as the majority of WI attendants were hard of hearing and were therefore unaware of the danger in the men’s room.
1 February – Liverpool training mediator
On taking a joyride up to Liverpool, Mario picked up a Liverpool striker playing truant. The player told him his name was Luis and he was avoiding training because the linesman called him offside during a training match. Mario drove him back and did not leave Melwood until the dispute was settled, although Suarez refused to shake his hand after.
4 February – Surprise primary school tour
In another loveable episode, Mario randomly pulled up to a primary school near his home and wandered around, admiring the premises. Headmistress Margaret Roland said, “It was delightful to have Mario visit and he’s welcome back anytime, but on assessing his most recent test scores, I’m afraid he doesn’t have the aptitude to attend classes here.”
11 February – Pub bulls-eye practice
Staying on in the local watering-hole after the Manchester United – Liverpool fiasco, Mario joined in a group playing darts, but lost focus and started aiming at some who were watching the rugby. The owner refrained from ringing the police and instead called Roberto Mancini, who hauled Mario off by the ear and grounded him for a fortnight.
Don’t forget to check back here very soon to read about yet more rubbish that a professional footballer can do and get paid for.
With his return to Liverpool’s offensive line imminent, Luis Suarez has given us his diary to show us what he’s been up to since he was thoughtfully granted an eight-match rest by the FA:
I get special holiday because I South American. Stupid Britannicos.
I meet old lady by supermercado. She hits me with stick for walking. I don’t know why. I only call her “coffin dodger” twice. I say it in friendly way.
I want to go to R ‘n’ B night at disco but friends say NO! Don’t understand why they angry.
I go to karaoke with Uncle Kenny. We lose whole night singing “Why does rain on me” by Travis.
I see funny news about Ahrry Rednap. He in trouble. He can say I don’t know what tax means in this culture. I tell him my advices in match at Liverpool.
When I come back to training the people say something like, “Don’t ever open your ******* mouth again you ******* ****”. I think them nice and friendly.
You can follow Mr Suarez’s risky adventures on the television from now on, starting with a potentially bad-tempered visit from a group of feisty north Londoners on Monday night.
****! ****! These ******* ******** will never get away with it! And as for that Joey Barton…
What did a nice guy like me ever do to deserve it, hey? Taking QPR into the Premier League, putting up with Barton and everyone else and then they go and sack me! I don’t know who this Twitter is but when I find the **** he’s going to wish he’d never spread rumours about me!
Twitter? Absolute Twit more like! With a capital ‘T’.
* * *
Some time later and I think my wife slipped something into my tea coz all of a sudden I feel a blissful peace within me, with the beautiful music of Mozart in the background.
Now for a more calculated approach against the evil QPR plotters, and where better to start than this Twit thing that Barton uses? I’ll give him something to retweet!
You can now keep up with my rants on Twitter by following @TouchlineTerrier.
Get on it, tweeps!
The Northern Irishman stands out amongst the famous names on the list for the pure audacity of this achievement, which has left countless men greener than a fairway at Augusta.
A less noteworthy accomplishment this year was his becoming the youngest US Open winner for 88 years.
Fellow golfer Darren Clarke has been given an OBE after winning the Open, although he admitted feeling “more overlooked than Tiger Woods’ playing partner” in comparison.