American Ryder Cup captain Davis Love justified his decision to leave Tiger Woods out of the Saturday foursomes by pointing out that the randy devil has probably had enough for one lifetime.
Love then watched as his selected pairs carried on the first day’s work in ripping the Europeans to absolute shreds.
His day two summary was, “If you read any of the newspapers you’ll know that Tiger’s been involved in far too many foursomes and such over the last few years.
“I thought the saucy sod could do with a rest and some of the other lads could have a go.
“We put their wives in a locked room guarded by armed security whilst they were on the course in case Tiger got a bit bored during play though.”
Ricky Hatton has marked his return to boxing by telling everyone potential rival Paulie Malignaggi can wait until after he’s finished breakfast.
Hatton’s doomed comeback has been delayed as he is still tucking in. (No matter how late you read this, it will still be the case.)
It marks the start of what can only be one of the worst decisions by a sportsman ever, even giving Djibril Cisse’s hair a run for its money.
New cycling doping king Alberto Contador seemed suspiciously pumped up after storming into the lead of the Vuelta a Espana despite returning to action only days before the race started.
Contador and fellow doper Alejandro Valverde have proved much stronger than their rivals during the race, leaving everyone scratching their heads as to how they have pulled it off.
One of few people who probably know the secret to their success is Lance Armstrong.
Lance Armstrong, newly crowned the greatest sporting cheat of all time, has been given a special jersey by the Tour de France for his efforts.
Instead of being patterned with dots like the King of the Mountains, Armstrong’s jersey is littered with hyperdermic needles.
Armstrong briefly tried to justify himself by saying anyone would need to be pumped up to the eyeballs to survive the monotony of the amount of cycling races he did.
But he then descended back into the nonsensical complaints about the case against him being “one-sided” – probably due to the amount of witnesses USADA had lined up to testify.
Any celebrations by Team Sky after their historic Tour de France
performances have been pushed down the priorities by relief at not
being so closely associated with Rupert Murdoch.
Murdoch resigned from his roles in UK organisations over the weekend,
creating more delight amongst Sky cyclists than peddling along the
Champs-Elysees sipping champagne.
Sprinter Mark Cavendish explained, “When I held up my hand with four
fingers it was to symbolise me winning here for the fourth consecutive
time for a sponsor that isn’t run by Rupert Murdoch.
“Myself, Brad and all the guys are so happy about that.”