Kevin Pietersen is coming to terms with getting stumped by social networking site Twitter.
Pietersen joined the likes of Rio Ferdinand, Michael Owen and Tom Daley in becoming more active on the micro-blogging site than in his actual sport after he ended up texting his way out of England’s cricket team.
It is the first time in cricketing history that a batsman has been dismissed Tweet-before-dipstick.
The scorecard reads:
K. Pietersen 0 b. Twitter c. media
Andrew Strauss has become the latest England cricket captain to be saved by the generosity of the Windies on one of their early summer tours.
England beat the tourists to clinch the series 2-0, whilst Strauss hit two centuries in two games despite going fifty without one beforehand.
He therefore joins the long list of those who have had their painful tenures excruciatingly prolonged by the Windies showing as much application as English footballers at a major international tournament.
A triumphant Strauss added, “Being compared against the West Indies and the England football team in the same summer would make anyone look competent.
“What with Euro 2012 starting soon I’m going to seem like a tactical genius quicker than you can say ‘Hodgson out’.”
Despite Kevin Pietersen’s superb century putting England in control during the second Test against Sri Lanka, all the talk is about him doing something mildly interesting and getting a telling off for it.
Pietersen got a warning when the bowler refused to deliver to the batsman as he moved into position to attempt a switch-hit – an exciting and spectacular shot that the cricket authorities are trying to outlaw as a matter of urgency.
Sir Geoffrey Boycott tutted, “I don’t know what he was thinking, trying to play an entertaining shot like that.
“No-one in cricket wants to see an interesting shot but Kevin doesn’t seem to understand that.
“Luckily for the rest of the six hours he was at the crease he was as boring as everyone else, and he needs to do that more consistently if he wants to be a great batsman.
England captain Andrew Strauss has been forced into drastic action following the latest dismal showing by the batsmen in a Test match.
England collapsed to defeat against Sri Lanka earlier, making it four losses on the trot and making the side quite probably the least fearsome number one team in the world ever.
In response, Strauss has decided to drop all of the batsmen – especially himself – and pick 11 bowlers, including Graeme Swann and Stuart Broad twice each.
Strauss noted, “They let themselves down a bit in the final innings where some of the batsmen actually scored more runs than they did.
“But I’m confident my decision will be the right one come the second Test.
“They can’t be any worse than the top six have been this winter, can they?”
Our undercover reporters have had a conversation with Andrew Strauss where he offered a place in the England team provided that he is guaranteed 250 runs.
He started by claiming that places were not available, but ended up virtually begging for anyone who could hold a bat to have a go and help him out.
One of the England selectors commented, “We’re going to look at the evidence and conduct a thorough internal inquiry.
“250 runs seems a bit steep to us – Andrew should have settled for 200, tops.
“Does Peter Cruddas know anything about cricket?
“In fact, if there’s anyone reading who even has a half-decent grasp of the rules and has the patience to get through a Test match, please get in touch.
“Your country needs you.”