National humiliation only hours away
The clock is ticking like a bomb fuse towards the Olympic opening ceremony.
Exclusive inside comments have revealed to us the secret plans for the special occasion with specific details of the impending embarrassing schedule.
A tipsy backstage assistant slurred, “I think the organisers have found a really great way to do this in true British fashion.
“They’re going to put a load of abandoned cars in five rings and get some hoodies to torch them.
“Everyone watching across the globe will know they’re watching London.”