FA and Manchester United to pre-arrange future penalties at Old Trafford
The FA and Manchester United have decided to save Ashley Young’s energy by not asking him to do his best Tom Daley impressions in the penalty area through pre-arranging that United will get a free penalty at the start of every match.
Wayne Rooney will take the penalty before kick-off, thus allowing the match itself to be played out fairly, although United will have a 1-0 head start if he scores.
Referees’ chief Mike Riley confirmed, “Some will cry ‘conspiracy’ but everyone knows they’re guaranteed at least one penalty each game so we might as well get it over with right at the start.
“It will stop all the fuss in the media and the questions about the officials’ objectivity as well.”
In other news, Chelsea are to be given free passage to the FA Cup final from now on, saving them going through the motions of beating a string of lower-league clubs before receiving atrocious decisions in their favour upon meeting someone half-decent in the semi at Wembley.