Ukraine anger over Campbell diversion tactics
Ukraine have responded indignantly to Sol Campbell’s comments about racism in the country, surely made to divert attention away from the impending embarrassment caused by England’s fans and especially players.
Campbell advised English to stay at home to avoid racism and violence, but the organisers have pointed out that the latter is far more likely to be caused by Campbell’s countrymen.
Euro 2012 director Markian Lubkivsky retorted, “It’s bad enough England qualify for this tournament but making such comments is below the belt even for them.
“They can be concerned about the Ukraine if they like, but they should remember that everyone else is far more worried about their lot, and especially their brand of football.
England defender Phil Jagielka weighed in by stating his belief in Roy Hodgson to inspire the team to new levels of disappointment.
The real Hazard
Back in the Premier League, Eden Hazard has announced he will join Chelsea after they were the first club to retweet his pleas for someone to pay him even more money.
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Andrew Strauss saved by customary Windies charity
All smiles (for now)
Andrew Strauss has become the latest England cricket captain to be saved by the generosity of the Windies on one of their early summer tours.
England beat the tourists to clinch the series 2-0, whilst Strauss hit two centuries in two games despite going fifty without one beforehand.
He therefore joins the long list of those who have had their painful tenures excruciatingly prolonged by the Windies showing as much application as English footballers at a major international tournament.
A triumphant Strauss added, “Being compared against the West Indies and the England football team in the same summer would make anyone look competent.
“What with Euro 2012 starting soon I’m going to seem like a tactical genius quicker than you can say ‘Hodgson out’.”
NHS response times hit by slow-moving torch traffic
In a jam
Paramedics in busy UK metropolitan centres are becoming increasingly frustrated at the carnage caused by the endless Olympic torch procession.
Coupled with the “hot” weather the country is experiencing, (which could also be a result of having the torch constantly burning away) NHS staff are finding themselves not only busy, but often stuck in the mile-long torch tailbacks.
Stressed ambulance driver John said, “On Saturday we had an emergency call but end up following Doctor Who for two hours.
“I tried the lights, the siren and beeping the horn, but everyone assumed it was part of the show.
“People love to slag off the NHS but this torch stuff is a typical example of how we just can’t win sometimes.”
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Roberto Martinez deciding if he wants to spend next season being ridiculed, insulted and booed by own supporters for not being Kenny Dalglish or Rafa Benitez
Conundrum
Roberto Martinez is to spend his weekend working out whether he wants to waste the next year of his life as manager of Liverpool.
With Swansea manager Brendan Rogers already having snubbed the Reds, it would be entirely understandable if Martinez chooses the far more attractive option of staying at Wigan.
His agent explained, “Roberto is faced with a very difficult decision and he is going to need time and space to choose the right course of action for him.
“Of course virtually everyone would choose Wigan, but Liverpool are offering more money.
“Wigan have a decent footballing team and supporters who really love their manager.
“Roberto would undoubtedly be lacking those two things at least for his short stay at Anfield.”
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Bernie Ecclestone furious about missing lunchbox
For the second consecutive year, bomb disposal experts have had to deal with a mysterious item at the Monaco Grand Prix, this year it being a plastic box whereas last year it was a carrier bag.
In related news, and also for the second consecutive year, Bernie Ecclestone has lost a personal belonging on the circuit after misplacing his lunchbox. Last year he did the same with a gift in a plastic bag he had bought for his wife.
Security expert Jean-Francois told us, “Last year alarms were raised over a suspect bag until an elderly gentleman came along and grumbled ‘Get your mits off that!’
“Today we had to carry out a controlled explosion on a small plastic item which could have been dangerous.
“We feared there were tuna or egg sandwiches in there.”
Elsewhere, a steaming Ecclestone fumed, “I couldn’t get there in time whereas last year I just about managed.
Could explode at any moment
“I must be losing race pace quicker than a Ferrari.
“I remember last year the security team told me I had to be more careful and not leave stuff lying around – as if I don’t own the place!
“So I told them they were all fired.”
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Barton to proceed on ban-per-tweet arrangement
QPR’s midfield psychopath Joey Barton will only be allowed to continue assaulting other footballers if he agrees to abide by a ban-per-tweet arrangement.
The initiative looks to protect both the world of football and users of the website Twitter, as all of them are almost constantly under threat from Barton.
The news will be of most relief to QPR’s supporters, staff and players who have been living in fear of having a deregulated Barton in their team for years.
But the PFA stated their willingness to intervene: “We feel restricting Joey’s Twitter use is unfair and we will argue his case.
“Why should he be banned from tweeting when the likes of Wayne Rooney, Rio Ferdinand and Glen Johnson carry on with their micro-blogging rubbish?
“We at the PFA don’t see the use of punishing footballers for anything, so why start with banning Barton if that would effectively solve the problem?”
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Rick Parry: “Next Liverpool manager must be a miracle worker”
Former Liverpool chief executive Rick Parry has stated that Kenny Dalglish’s replacement will need to be able to work miracles.
This includes such superhuman fates as getting the club to qualify for the Champions League next season.
Parry honestly said, “The expectations of everyone at the club are such that only individuals who prove themselves capable of performing miracles will survive for more than a season.
“In the supporters’ eyes this means the shortlist consists of Kenny Dalglish again, Rafa Benitez, and Jesus Christ himself.
“Any other candidates will have to show they can walk on water and turn water into wine if they aren’t to be met with derision and hate from the stands.”
